100 Days Project

Anita/Fern: Now and Then

Some days I look at my husband, our three children, our cat, and our home, blink, and think "How did I get here?"
I find myself constantly wondering how my life's events led me to this exact moment in time. How did I become the person I am today?
In an effort to figure that out, I am going to spend 100 days reflecting on the way things are now, and the way things used to be.
Every day I will take note of a single moment or event as it occurs, and will use it to remind myself of a moment or event from my past. I will then write about both my "Now"s and my "Then"s as openly and honestly as I possibly can, in an effort to give myself and others a little insight into both the person I am, and the person I once was. Are we really one in the same?

The house is silent and my eyes hurt so I’m going back to bed. I check in on the baby first. He’s asleep with his thumb in his mouth. Perfect. Nothing is going to stop this nap.

I creep quietly down the hallway to my bedroom. I remove my shoes and climb up onto the bed. I’m wearing Frans’ big fleece-lined hoodie, and I don’t want to take it off. I’ll probably wake up and feel way too hot, but it’ll be worth it. Everything is so cosy and cuddly and warm. I roll into a little ball on my side and I burrow my head down into the pillows. I close my eyes. I am so happy. This is going to be the best nap ever.

From somewhere in the house I hear the sound of tiny galloping feet. Flattie. Stupid bloody cat. She only ever gets like this when people are sleeping. I keep my eyes shut, but listen closely. I wonder if I should get up and shoo her outside. Nah. She’ll just come back through the cat flap anyway. I’m sure she’ll settle down in a minute.

The cat yowls. It sounds strangled, frightened. I try to remember whether or not I shut the door to the laundry. Maybe she’s just trying to get to her biscuits. No. I’m sure I left the door open. I definitely left the door open. I left the door open on purpose so that the stupid cat wouldn’t wake me up because she thinks she’s starving. I open my eyes and I consider yelling at her to shut up, but she’s gone quiet again. I shut my eyes and try to relax.

I’m just starting to drift off now. I’m just reaching that point where my thoughts start getting jumbled and turning into pictures. I’m just about to let go when the cat thunders into my room, and flings herself up onto my feet. What the hell! I sit myself up and I open my mouth to tell her to piss off, but she’s already gone. I can hear her feet racing back up the hallway. I don’t know what her problem is, but she is seriously annoying me. I throw my head back down on the pillow and I wonder why the hell I ever wanted to get a stupid bloody cat in the first place, and then I remember...

We’re standing on the street outside Jessica’s Mum’s house. It’s me and Kane and a couple of others, and we’re just killing time, waiting to get back to our new flat. We’re all talking, but I keep hearing something. I can’t figure out what it is, and I don’t want to say anything yet in case I’m just imagining things. I’m listening really hard, and then there’s a pause in the conversation and then it’s there. I hear it again and it’s definitely real and it’s coming from the tree. I look up and I see a kitten. A tiny, black kitten with bright green eyes.

I ask Kane to lift me up. I turn my back to him and he puts his hands around my hips. He lifts me up into the branches and I reach up and I gently pull the kitten out of the tree. It’s still meowing away. Tiny little baby cat cries. It’s so cute. I cuddle it against my body and Kane places me back down on the ground and we pat it together. I wish I could have a kitten.

Jessica’s sister takes the kitten and goes around knocking on the neighbours’ doors. No one is missing a kitten. No one has any idea where it came from. Jessica’s sister comes back with the kitten and she hands it to me because I’m the one that found it. It has no home and I don’t really know what to do next, so I decide to keep it. I know Mum will think it’s stupid, but so what? I’ve moved out and it’s not like I’m a kid anymore. She can’t tell me what to do.

We’re back at the flat and we don’t have any cat food so we give the kitten some ice cream. Everyone is acting like the kitten is theirs.They're all trying to think of names for it and somene suggests Flattie because it's going to be our flat cat. I can't think of anything else, so I just go along with it. They can think what they want, but the kitten is mine. I found it and I decided to keep it.

I take the kitten to my bedroom and I shut the door and I lie down on my bed. The kitten purrs and purrs and it cuddles into me, just under my chin. It’s so warm and cuddly and I love it. I love it so much. I don’t even care that I don’t have a boyfriend now. My kitten is going to be my best friend.

Day 48:


I still love her, even though she pisses me off.