100 Days Project

Anita/Fern: Now and Then

Some days I look at my husband, our three children, our cat, and our home, blink, and think "How did I get here?"
I find myself constantly wondering how my life's events led me to this exact moment in time. How did I become the person I am today?
In an effort to figure that out, I am going to spend 100 days reflecting on the way things are now, and the way things used to be.
Every day I will take note of a single moment or event as it occurs, and will use it to remind myself of a moment or event from my past. I will then write about both my "Now"s and my "Then"s as openly and honestly as I possibly can, in an effort to give myself and others a little insight into both the person I am, and the person I once was. Are we really one in the same?

It’s late and my legs are tired and aching. My socks have been digging into my ankles all day, and even with them removed they’re not feeling any better. The hot shower has relaxed me, made me feel fresh again, but it’s done nothing to wash away the discomforts of the day. It must be time for bed.

I’m in the girls’ bathroom and I’m busy drying myself with a crisp clean towel, and despite the fabric softener I add to the laundry it feels stiff and scratchy against my skin. I don’t like using this bathroom at night. There are no blinds in here and I know that with the lights on the neighbours can see right in. I keep my back to the window and I hope that no one is watching. I feel exposed. I wipe at my body hurriedly, tell myself I’m dry enough, and close the rough towel around my torso. I feel safe now. I feel calm. I throw the window open to let the steam out, and as I turn to leave the room I remember...

We got back late from milking and my legs are tired and aching. Jessica made it home before Kane and me, as usual, and she’s already had her shower. I’m not sure where Kane is, so I snap up the bathroom while I have the chance. I hate sitting around in wet, shitty clothes waiting for the shower.

I’ve got the shower turned on full blast, and I’m undressing while the water heats back up. I peel off my damp woollen socks, and I take off my pants and long johns and knickers all in one go. I unbutton my old farm shirt, and lift the layers underneath up and over my head before discarding them on the floor. With both hands I reach behind my back and undo my bra. I’m throwing it on my pile of clothes when the bathroom door flies open.

I look up in surprise and I see Kane staring at me. He’s staring and staring and staring and I see a little something going on in his eyes. His mouth opens a fraction. I feel exposed. I try to cover my body with my hands but it’s too late because he’s already seen it. He’s seen everything. I look at him sadly and he slams the door shut.

I climb into the shower with wobbly legs. I can hear Kane calling out to Jessica, and I guess he’s telling her what happened. I guess he’s saying that he walked in on me and he saw me. I guess he wants her to know that it was an accident, but I’m just not sure. There was something about that look in his eyes that makes me think it wasn’t an accident. I’ll have to be more careful from now on.

Day 41:


That was the moment that shit started getting weird in the farm house.