100 Days Project

Anita/Fern: Now and Then

Some days I look at my husband, our three children, our cat, and our home, blink, and think "How did I get here?"
I find myself constantly wondering how my life's events led me to this exact moment in time. How did I become the person I am today?
In an effort to figure that out, I am going to spend 100 days reflecting on the way things are now, and the way things used to be.
Every day I will take note of a single moment or event as it occurs, and will use it to remind myself of a moment or event from my past. I will then write about both my "Now"s and my "Then"s as openly and honestly as I possibly can, in an effort to give myself and others a little insight into both the person I am, and the person I once was. Are we really one in the same?

I’m standing in the doorway of my bedroom and I’m searching for the light switch.  It’s not particularly dark, but I can’t be bothered bending and turning to look for it with my eyes. I sweep my hand over the wall instead. It only takes a second. It’s right there. I push the switch down. The light comes on. I step into the room.

I’ve come in search of the nasal spray I left on my bedside table. My nose is all stuffed up and I can’t breathe properly. I am relieved to see the clear plastic bottle sitting exactly where I’d expected it to be. My short-term memory has not failed me this time. 

I take exactly two steps in the right direction before I am obstructed. I always leave things all over the floor in here. I bend down and pick up the bulky item in question. It’s pink and it’s purple and it’s fluffy. I chuck it on the end of the bed, simply moving the mess from one place to another. I tell myself I just might need the extra blanket tonight, there’s no point folding it and putting it away in the cupboard, and as I resume my quest to unblock my nose I remember...

I’m lying in bed with the lights out and I hear Karl enter the room. I pretend I am asleep. I can tell he is tip-toeing. I know he’ll be disappointed if I sit up and start talking to him. He’s trying to be sneaky.

He’s standing over me now and I can hear him breathing. I breathe deeply and slowly in response. I keep my eyes shut tight. I hear movement, but I’m not sure what it is. I feel a light sensation sweeping over my body. I wonder what he’s up to. It almost feels as though he’s covered me in something. It’s almost as if he actually cares for me.

I listen to Karl’s footsteps as he heads back out to the lounge. I lie still until I know for sure he’s settled himself into his chair. I sit myself up a bit and run my hands over the top of the bedding. I feel something soft. I focus my eyes and I can see pink and I can see purple. It’s a blanket. A cheap, fleece blanket. I smile to myself.

I wake up in the morning and Karl asks me how I like my new blanket. He says sorry it was a couple of days late, but he hopes I like my birthday present. He says he thought about me and he remembered how I’m always saying I’m cold and so he decided a nice warm blanket would make a great gift. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to act. I didn’t even know he was capable of thinking like that.

Day 33:

The blanket

For many years I carried hatred in my heart for this man. Yes, he was a clueless, insensitive, horrible person, and he did many wrongs by me, but you know what? One night he went out and bought me a blanket, and that proves that there is at least some good in his heart, doesn't it?